CW: FUCKERY
This is a Rant blog. Just my little corner of fucked-up dystopian 'Murrica here, but .... my scanty-ass, $325 tax refund, one-twelfth of what it was last year, just got sucked up by the Machine because I apparently I "owed" the Food Stamp program money. Because they screwed up and gave me "too much" money in EBT benefits in 2017 and 2018. Serio-fuckingly? Yes, Serio-fuckingly.
I am a single mom, making minimum wage and no benefits at the moment. I'm one of the lucky ones, I get enough child support/ maintenance to cover my rent. And that's it. No food, no gas, no utilities, no luxuries like toilet paper. When I was receiving about half of what I actually needed in food stamps, I was getting by. Things were just barely ok. And then I started helping my best friend with her cafe, and even 20 hours a week at minimum wage was too excessive for the paradigms of our ridiculous assistance programs. Serio-fuckingly.
Like most of America, I wish I was making this up. True, last year was an even year, meaning I don't get to claim my daughter as a dependant/ deduction. (Per the divorce agreement with her dad who is, unfortunately, still alive) But in the 5 years since I've been separated/ divorced, my lowest refund was around $1700. Highest, almost $5,000. Not to brag. I think that's average for any working stiff, especially when you have at least one kiddo.
And like most of America, I was depending on that at-least-one-thousand-buckaroos. I was going to pay off my used car, not that the guy I bought it from is pressuring me - but I wanted the title in hand. And then with the rest- I was going to upgrade to the GOOD insurance, you know, the kind that promises not to bankrupt the next seven generations of your family if you get rear-ended. Modest goals.
I have never bought a powerboat with my refund monies. Or any type of watercraft.
Now, I might be enticed to do some good old-fashioned Puritanical self-flagellating, if it weren't for the fact that giant corporations like Amazon and Netflix and General Electric paid ZERO DOLLARS
in taxes. Like, not just a low rate, not just a token amount to cover their asses, no- ZERO. FUCKING. DOLLARS. And the CEO's of those corporations are taxed at LESS than 30% of their income.
And here I am, working my ass off, trying to recover from trauma and take care of my daughter at the same time, and I'm supposed to feel ashamed to admit that I was on food stamps in the first place? Oh no, hunty. I took Brene Brown's class, I know that Shame is merely projected from those in power onto us, those who struggle, to keep us quiet. No other reason.
My parents were both narcissists, one diagnosable and one just too proud and egotistical for his own good. And then I was married to one for 15 years. I know all about gas-lighting, projection, deflection, distraction and all the other tricks that narcissists use to basically spew their shit onto everyone else, rather than account for it. And once that shit is showered upon you, it is very difficult indeed to sort out. For years, you may think it is your own shit, especially if you're still around the Narc- they are expending all of their time and energy trying to convince you that it IS your shit, no question. So yes, in the past, I've bowed my head and submitted to the abusive rhetoric of the 1% that is I who is lazy, ignorant, dependent, conniving, and every other synonym for shiftless and stupid.
No more. Viscerally and intellectually, I know now that our government has completed it's de-volution into a sociopathic entity. Or rather, our government has finished the merging process with corporations, which are sociopathic entities. Both.
And baby, that shit ain't mine.
This is just one snapshot, one story in the miasma of stories and anecdotes. The voices who scream at us that we should be too ashamed to even talk about these things are getting more distant and hard to hear. The voices of encouragement and validation for our stories are getting closer, and louder, but not in a shrill way. And they are saying, No bitch, no. No reason for you to feel ashamed. And Yes bitch, yasssss, keep your chin up. Time for you to out-create the narcissists.
Fortunately, this is not difficult, because all they know how to do is destroy.
